Currently Listening Coming Up to Breathe see related

FINALS SUCK MY TOE!

UGH! i hate finals with a passion, Lord help me. Sitting here trying not to think of the fact that Sarah isn't here... or the fact that in less than a month ill be 21. Or even that in a little under a month, like by a day ill be in the arms of the most amazing man ever. soooo! why should i be stressed you ask... well simple... FINALS! (note first line of this blog) ANSWER UR QUESTION!? lol but honestly. focusing is beyond me and honestly its becoming alittle annouying. i want to focus and not stress but its a little hard right now. I just want to pull out my hair. Im depressed and just a little spaztic about getting home. im ready to get home. to be with my family, my dog, my... fi... boyfriend ;) *giggles* annnyyywaaaay LOL but honestly. things are out of this world crazy! I know LOL i always sit here here and freak out about the fact im so worried about getting everything done that once its over i do juuuust fine. buuuut come on really. does it have to freaking hard NOOOOOO Satan just like to be a little bit stupid and making things harder... then again i do procrastinate and make them hard myself  :: shakes head ::  LLAQLQALQ ... (wow... thats a new one) ok im hyper... thats bad, but i didnt take any crazy pills :: smiles broadly hiding the bottle of pills behind her ::  Im naturally this way just ask my fi... Boyfriend and my friends. they will tell you im crazy, they know im crazy... !!!!! :: AHHHHHH runs up and down the halls screaming like a mad man, just like (the shanks sisters annouying everyone on the freaking floor making them want to slaugther them ALL) then colapses on the floor in a heep of exhaustion :: im done now... i think... :: twitch twitch :: its 2 in the morning and i feel like ive been sleeping for 9 hours. Im wide awake and haaave no idea why. in about 10 minutes ill crash and be a zombie :: puts arms up like a Zombie smiling goofyly :: HAPPY ZOMBIE! ... that ones for lisa... even though she wont read this... or maybe ill put it on facebook. and tag the shanks sisters in it... then again that it would be mean... :: smiles :: THEN AGAIN! oh well... but i think im close to the stage of no more need to vent....
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noo not really...

im not really done... but we can lie and tell everyone im done. it makes it more interesting that way.

:: sigh ::

hmmm... i wish that i could sit here and actullay get out what i want to say to him...
how i want to express the way he makes me feel
but everytime i go to type it..
it wont come out right
in my head it causes me to think of so much more
and then randomly i starting talking out loud
and it just doesnt sound the same
it sounds funny and i find myself laughing
at myself
about my thoughts
about how utterly uncollected he makes me feel
how i always smile when i hear his ringtone
how the sound of his name makes the world blast with color
how the thought of seeing him makes me dance and do stupid things
its annouying how i sit here for hours and just cant think of the words
but all in the same i am thinking of them
i just cant put the words down
hes poetic even when he doesnt know it
his eyes are the most beautiful thing that fills my dreams
I love his smile
I love his lips
I love his voice, its so melodious
I love his dimples
I love his hands
I love his sense of humor
His sarcasm
How sinicle he can be when he's stressed
How he has this odd way of popping up right when i need him
Its like he has a 6th sense and just knows...
He knows when im mad
He knows when im annouyed
He can tell when im stressed
He always hears it in my voice
I cant hide from it...
He completes me
If all of this is true then why cant i think of what to say....!!
The list goes on i could sit here for hours and just tell you the things i like
I love the sound of his laugh
I love how he knows just what to say to make me smile
I cant get enough of him
Of his jokes (corning at times ;) )
Of talking to him ( I do it for hours, one time for 7 hours... straight)
I need him
Im blessed to have him
God is good to me, I dont deserve him
Even if he is a radical...
He is my radical
thats all the matters

Currently Listening Kingdom Hearts By Various Artists Simple and Clean Remix see related

:: shrug ::

Greetings from PA. :: sigh :: well where to even start... God is good LOL that’s the best place to start... but honestly it is so much deeper than that simple statement... So many things have been on my mind lately LOL and many people know ;) that’s not always a good thing. I feel sometimes like I'm so inadequate. Like I’m just a bump on a log doing absolutely nothing… everyone else is hard workers or gets amazing grades… and I have to struggle with everything… and I don’t mean the little things… it’s like I’m treading water well… failing and everyone is doing the back stroke… yeah yeah I know it’s not like that at all people everywhere are struggling… but honestly!  Sometime I am just sick and tired of having to struggle so much…

Then I go back to the conversation I had with my brother not too long ago… he was telling me that if everything came easy would the end result really be worth it… When we struggle the end result is ALWAYS worth whatever we had to go through to get there. You never hear rappers talking about how they were born into being rich and having all their ice, cars and money; no they talk about the stuff they went through to get there. I laughed and added yeah they talk about all the drug busts and all the times they got a cap busted in their eyes and the time they persevered through really hard times; then got to the money, ice and cars. LOL

When he put it that way I laughed… but he is right… but if he is right then why can’t I see that… why am I still having such a hard time buckling down and doing what I know God has for me… and it’s not even that I want to give it all up to go get married or be a bum that does nothing my watch soap operas and eat bon bons, no I want to do something with my life. I want to share my life with one particular person. I want to be able to stand up after four years and say to myself and all the people who didn’t think I could do it and say “HA! TAKE THAT! PUT IT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT! TRISHA MADE SOMETHING OF HERSELF! I AM NOT A FAILURE!” when I sit back and think of all the other things I can be doing rather than the things I should be doing I get like this… maybe it’s cause it is February and me and that month don’t get along very well.

BLAH! I was on the phone last night with a very important person and all I could do was complain… complain about things I can’t do anything about… and I know he was getting frustrated with me… I get frustrated with him when he gets depressed… but he listens to me and puts up with my mood even when deep down he wants to beat me over the head and tell me to stop. LOL I wonder how my mother put up with me when I get like this… I’m questioning so many things… I don’t know what I want to do with my life… Kids… that’s the only thing that is so deep in my mind… but what about them… there are so many things a person can do with kids… that field is so open ended… I thought I wanted to be a children’s pastor but now I’m not so sure… I don’t want to be with one set group of kids… I want to love on all kinds of people and kids all over the world… everywhere! K-12 every ethnicity, every gender. I want to love people… and accept them the way they are… to make a difference not with my words but my actions…

The past couple of days since I went to boot camp (which BTW was out of this world amazing) I have been getting the same things over and over and over and over again… God has used 3 people or so to tell me and show me that my tender heart and my love for people is a gift… and the little person in the back of my head pops out and goes… uh… you tender… but you get so mean with people sometimes how can someone call you tender…? If I am tender in any way it’s because I know what it is like to be treated different because you look or act different than everybody else… and that hurts… So why would I want to do it other people when I hate when it is done to me… I mean still do it… but I am trying to see a little bit more from their point of view… I have lots of friends that are what you would call “lone wolfs” Loners… people that just don’t connect with people really easy. One in particular, one of my best friends in the whole entire world, her name is Sarah. I love that girl to the ends of the earth. She is so amazing, and puts up with some major crap. She is beautiful inside and out, but so many times guys mainly look at her outer appearance, she is gorgeous, but come on! It’s not about how amazingly beautiful she is… Look at her heart and how she treats you!

Anyway… I got carried away… LOL Sarah doesn’t like people who are fake, one of her best qualities! She isn’t afraid to be different, she doesn’t care what people think about her… but in an odd way deep down she does… she just wants people to see her heart. My boyfriend can be the same way; same with my brother and my mom… hmmm… maybe that’s why I love them all so much…J! Me… I let you know I care about what you think of me… I love the loners! They are usually one friend people… well one TRUE friend people. Almost every best friend I have is a loner. I am NOT a loner… I need people… WOW! FOCUS TRISHA! My thoughts are popping around again… Let me steer back to the direction I was going in the first place.

This morning in chapel… well… I don’t know what Chapel was about I slept through the whole thing… :: hangs head in shame :: I know… LOL All I remember was the altar time… I didn’t go up because I knew what I was going down for I went up to look for my Laos team. We are praying every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday after chapel in a group for each other and for Laos. So I went to go look for my team and only found Chelsie. She just shrugged none of the team was really there. Soooo instead I decided to sit down on the floor and pray… I had really wanted to get a big hug from my daddy (God) so I decided to go talk to him. The speaker was going around and praying for people and I just sat and prayed… I didn’t even really know what I was praying for… maybe just my lack of motivation… which has been driving me crazy… but I’m beginning to get off topic again LOL.

So I guess I had been sitting there for about say… 5 minutes or so when Professor Christen came up to pray for me… she put her hand on my head and began to pray for my tender heart ( again me… tender hearted… HUH?! ) She prayed and prayed and the same word kept coming up tender, she also said that my ability to love people was a gift, that I was gentle and kind hearted that I should embrace that, she kept asking God to show me that… to show me my welcoming personality was a gift…This is significant because 1 this past weekend and 2 because it is something I have been dealing with since I was a kid. The craziest part was it was totally God because I have never said anything to hear about it. She isn’t even a professor I talk to. Plus she wasn’t there this weekend. This was something she was totally praying out of complete and total lack of knowledge of my situation. Plus I wasn’t even up in the front to get prayed for. I just decided to stick around because I wanted to, but when she said that to me… the tears just began to flow… I have never looked at my personality as a gift…, never…

Then another Professor came by and prayed for me to have a zeal for God, for a passion for him to just be set on fire to love him and love people. On top of all of this I sat down and prayed with Chelsie she came back after a little bit and told me the two of us could pray for Laos together. So we did… I prayed so off topic… I mean I prayed about it a little but I kept going back to my emotions I just said I didn’t know what to say and that God knew what was on my heart. Then when I was done Chelsie asked me if everything was ok… and I told her straight up no… I filled her in on my lack of motivation and what not and she prayed for me.

Not but 2 minutes later Professor Jenny Duncan came over (our Laos team leader) she just stared praying for me, saying that she was so happy that I was going on the trip that God had put me on the trip. She prayed that God would strengthen my emotions and make me stronger, make me about to with stand anything I came up against. She thanked God for making me so joyful and full of understanding. She prayed that God would help me forget and ignore everything that people had ever said to me in a mean way, in a way that would discourage me and be little me. That God would take my emotions to make me stronger. So that I could overcome anything and everything that stood in the way of me doing what God had for me…

That’s crazy… all of that is crazy… it goes so perfectly with what I have been feeling… what God has been telling me… It almost completely explains why I have the boyfriend I have, the parents and siblings I have, the friends I have… Most of you are sitting at your computers thinking… THEN WHY ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU’RE DOING IN LIFE!? LOL see that’s where I get stuck… I don’t know LOL I guess I am just trying to process all of the stuff that has been going on the past few days. WOW… O_O I wrote a book… four pages… I think I am done writing for now… LOL Everybody if you’re lost… I’m sorry LOL all this makes sense to me… I guess in the end that’s all that matters… LOL ttyl :: hugs :: MUAH! KISSES! Love me :D! spaz!

Currently Listening The Altar and the Door By Casting Crowns East from West see related

AH! My family is crazy; I don't mean the immediate family but the extended. They seem to just be trying to cope with everything that has happened this year... and I totally understand how they feel, but it's crazy. I can't say I have a dysfunctional family but drinking to try and numb the absence of my uncle and cousins husband is not going to solve anything... I find myself sleeping to deal with it all. I push it out of my head with shutting out the world and sleeping... but in the end I wake up feeling the same way not wanting to face the world. But honestly what is that going to prove. I want to help all my friends I don't want any of them to feel hopeless... and I have no room to talk sometimes. The holidays are coming soon, and thanksgiving is going to be a hard time to give thanks... and then when Christmas comes... it’s going to be ever crazier... It just blows my mind to think that in about... say... 4 or 5 months it will have been a year since my uncle died... WOW... time goes by so fast...

I still here typing and I feel torn by the two sides of my heart... Like I always have been the two side of me just seem to pull me apart… the side that wants to just forget life and hide and the side that is desperate to be with people.  But this time it’s not so hard to just lay it down and say God you know what’s best for me, take it... cause I can't deal with it anymore. I am tired of trying to work it all out in my brain or guess just what God is trying to do when all the while I feel like he behind me just sort of snickering to himself and shaking his head asking me why I am trying to figure out something I can’t possibly ever comprehend.

This past year I have encountered people that I haven't talked to in years, I let go of bitterness toward past hurts this summer and every time I encounter one of those people that hurt me... it’s the most freeing experience. It is like God is finding all the fragmented pieces of my heart and putting them back into place one piece at a time... Like today at church, I have been having a hard time getting to this one particular church, but for some reason it worked today LOL I got there, I was attack my little girls, I clung to them because I missed them sooo much. Then... as if God allowed me to go to that church for one specific reason... I run into Amanda Ferrin... not that I haven't already done that but... this time... her mom was with her.... I had a turn in my stomach... I wanted to avoid her... but when the service was over God said no talk to her... and I resisted, instead she came to me... and asked me how I was doing and if I remembered her. WELL DUH! Of course I do! How could I ever forget the things I went through in those years knowing the two of them? But I wasn't mad. It was nice to see a friendly face. She hugged me and told me to say hi to my parents.

I can't believe God is working like this. One Friday afternoon I had taken a pretty long nap and had a dream about John getting into a car accident, I had gone with Brandon and Patrick to where it had happened but they got out of the car and told me I couldn't come they wouldn't let me out. As I sat in the car waiting for them to come back to find out what happened I was racked with worry, wondering if he was ok, knowing I would never forgive myself if anything happened to him. They finally came back but wouldn't tell me what happened, as they were coming back an ambulance left the parking lot or street or where ever we were and then we drove away. I don't remember if we were leaving to follow the ambulance or back to school, I woke up... I just haven’t been able to get this dream out of my head. It wasn't one of those dreams where u are guessing who it is or what has happened but you know, you see the faces, the voices, the names are plan as day. It gave me an odd feeling, I told the person that I could, I told my suite mate Brenda and she told me all I could do was pray, something I had already done.

Today as I was going to church I found out one of my friends had gotten into a car accident on Thursday night on her way back from work, her car was t-bone, she is fine her car is drivable but it has a nice u shaped dent in the passenger side, she can't get the doors open, and the door is pushed up against the seat. If the hit would have been any farther back it would have hit the gas tank... looking at the car I got chills... God protected her, the air bags didn't deploy and there was no one in the passenger’s side. The windows didn't break it was perfectly placed right where the two door of the passengers side were, at the support beam. It’s crazy, so crazy…I also got an email from my friend Carmen, the girl that was in the car accident two years ago… she is walking all by her self now!

For those of you who don’t know, my friend Carmen was in a really bad accident the spring semester of my freshmen year. On the 18^th of February, or at least that’s when I found out about it. She was knocked unconscious and taken the hospital where she stayed for 2 or 3 months, first she was in a drug educed coma and then one on her own for awhile when she woke up she wasn’t her self, but God worked slowly in her life. She was told she had permanent head trauma and brain damage but she took a test and is going to college! PRAISE GOD! She was hurt and had to be in a wheel chair, and she is walking on her own without a walker and she told me the doctor said she doesn’t have to wear the leg brace as much. I was so happy that I had gotten to see her the summer before she was in the accident, because when I saw her I mad amends with her… before I left her and I had gotten into a fight and we mad at each other but after that day in June we were fine. I got to see her a summer ago after the accident when she graduated. She wasn’t the Carmen I knew at all but after reading the email about an hour ago! She sounds like the old Carmen, so happy and full of life. When I saw them last year I remember Carmen knowing who I was, that is only weird and crazy for me because I was told she only remembered the people who made and impact in her life, those were some of the only people she distinctly remember. She remembered others but had to try to recall details… I was amazing she remembered me... at least as well as she did…

GOD IS SO GOOD! I just don’t know what to say, it’s like so many things are starting to get better. Hopefully God will help me to heal some broken relationships next. He is moving in my life. The other day while on the phone someone very close to me told me I was his hero that he looked up to me… I never thought some one like him would look up to me… God is showing me things I never knew… People who look up to me… people who I looked up to for their courage and never backing down… He tells me I’m his hero but he doesn’t know he is mine… Him and my mom… He has been through to much and still finds a way to push through even when he is on the verge of giving up he doesn’t… that is amazing to me… he is truly an amazing person whether he sees it or not… I think he is amazing…  I am having more dejavu moments now, which I personally feel says I’m on the right track… don’t ask my why… LOL Things are falling into place…! It feels good for once to feel like this… So I leave with this. I LOVE YOU ALL! ALL MY FRIENDS I AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IN MY LIFE! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME! I LOVE YOU GUYS!

For you Hiro

Don't look at me as if you know me...
Don't even speak as if you know me...
You know the old me
And you haven't taken anytime to get to know the new me
So flake off and leave me alone
You say youv'e changed
HA!
I'm tired of you front
Of the image of nothingness you keep giving me
If you had changed i would have been able to tell
And not just for a short time
For a lasting amount
You call me a fake, but I think sometime you are
You look at me and tell me I hide behind God
Guess what I don't behind!
I hide in God, the source of my power
The source of my strength
If that makes me weak
The I guess I am, and willing might I add
I respect my parents...
I don't hide behind them
The are my friends as well as my parents
My authority.
The people I look you to and turst...
If that makes me weak minded and unable to think on my own
Then you have a warpped view of authority
Stop blaming me for listening to God
I don't run from something I am told to do.
I stand by you if you won't understand I have to do what God tells me to.
If that is the way it must be then fine.
But don't bring it to my doorstep...
I won't take your crap any longer.
I tried to understand I tried to start something new.
But I got here and God told me different
And If you Can't understand that then you aren't worth my time.
If you truly love someone you would understand
I admit I have made that mistake myself
But God showed me where I went wrong
I'm paying for it
There is a payment for everything done wrong
May you find yours
Sometimes we have to knocked to our knees before we can get back up
If we do not learn from the expierences then we will never learn
And we will continue to fall time and time again
You better pray that you learn before you get knocked on your butt again.

To: the one who calls himself  Hiro Dregontus